Dear Abby: I’m upset my friends gave excuses for not attending my

The funeral is the one appointment on the calendar you cannot reschedule. And yet, here we are, with a grown adult writing to an advice columnist because their so-called friends offered up reasons—excuses, really—for skipping the service for the writer's mother. One had work. Another was "feeling under the weather." You can almost hear the group chat buzzing with everyone trying to find the politest way to say, "That sounds like a downer, and I'm busy."

The modern excuse is a marvel of convenience. It sounds mature, responsible, even sympathetic, but it robs the other person of the chance to argue back. Saying "I have a conflict" is the velvet hammer of social obligation. It lets people off the hook for the hard, essential work of simply being there when a friend's world collapses. We have somehow convinced ourselves that friendship is a transaction rather than a duty, and this letter is the sad, predictable result. We are all busy, but we aren't all burying our mothers this week.

This is where the older, sturdier parts of our culture used to kick in. You went to the funeral because you were supposed to, not because you felt like it. You went because the community's presence was the message, showing up for grief is the whole point. No one expects a parade of cheerful chatter, but the absence of a car in the parking lot speaks volumes. It says the friendship was mostly social, not substantive. If the only time you hear from friends is for a birthday dinner or a casual barbecue, then the silence on a day like this isn't a surprise; it's just the bill coming due.

So, Dear Abby's advice—to accept the apologies and let it go—is fine for keeping the peace, but it misses the lesson. Feigning illness is a statement of character. Don't waste energy on a confrontation, but do take a mental note. The good news is that you have now learned exactly who is with you in the trenches. The bad news is that it took a funeral to find out. Meanwhile, the rest of us should check our own calendars—and our own hearts—before we send that polite text declining the next invitation to show up. Be the one who goes. The price of a plane ticket is cheaper than the weight of a missed goodbye..